Worrying…

So, here I am back at work, more's the pity, trying to get my head around having to do it all 'once more with feeling', like every other person who comes back from sabbatical.

But I'm finding it bloody hard, to be honest. I can't get the next Prof appointment out of my mind, given that I decided not to get the results from the last one in April and that I know the results at the previous on in February had moved in the wrong direction.

So this month's results could of course be fine – back to normal, with Feb just a funny blip…. or the end of this month heralds the return into the shittier than shitland of treatment, worries, fears, being drugged up to the hilt like a zombie again. And knowing that whichever course of treatment I choose to take (assuming they give me the choice of heading towards another STen Cell Transplant or perhaps considering the Donor Transplant) that I will be damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Option 1: If I go Stem Cell again, I almost certainly won't ever be able to the DOnor Transplant – my body will have been weakened by the high dose chemo and all the other drugs that come with it, such that it would be less able to tolerate a DOnor transplant. And I would be too short on time – aged 42 as I already am – to have the Allo, which they prefer to offer to under 40s only (and its pretty bloody rare). 50 seems to be the absolute cut off, but it depends on a whole bunch of medical circumstances, none of which I have up to date 'reads' on right now. Upside – the fatality rates are very low. Downside — it might only buy me a year or so before it fails, as you get less remission with a second SCT than the first one.

Option 2: I go for the Allo – the donor transplant. Upside: A small chance that it might buy me up to 10 years remission, although for most people who have had this and lived, it hasn't worked. Even over these last 3 years when I have had Myeloma the ALlo does not seem to be gaining in popularity/success but losing it. Downsides: Dreadful – up to 50% chance of dying in Year 1 (I would be given a figure relevant to me if I go for this route, but its a minimum of 25% chance of dying in Year 1). Very restricted lifestyle – extremely limited diet, no alcohol, limited social contact outside the home, major anti-rejection drugs, liklihood of lots of medical issues e.g. skin problems, lung problems – everyone gets somethign as your body tries to reject the donor cells. It's called GvHD – sadly not a hair straightener, but Graft vs Host Disease – where the graft (new cells from a donor) attack the Host (me) and vice versa. Its like a political power battle where no-one ever wins.

Anyway – I can't get this out of my head. The wedding and honeymoon were so wonderful, the perfect bubble to live in and try and push Myeloma out for as long as possible, but now it's looming like a fucking bad smell.

Appointment is Tues 21st June and I will prob not get the paraprotein results for a week afterwards. Arse, piss, poo, bum, shite, pants.

In the meantime, off to Le Touquet to distract myself through life-threatening quantities of Vodka & Grapefruit

Sx