How Fast Things Change

God, it's not even a full week into treatment yet and already I feel like I've been sucked into a sausage machine that's changing me day by day.

I already look different – partly the self-chosen shorter haircut, so it's easier to look after and less of a shock when my hair goes further into the treatment, but more so the impact that the bloody drugs are already having on me.

I look knackered, for starters, as the steroids give you no kip whatsoever. It's not ideal sneaking a peek at the clock in the night to find its only 11.35pm and that you're about to be up all bloody night, sucking on a water bottle as I'm unusually thirsty (ah, those pesky kidneys..) and shopping online like there's no tomorrow. This lark is going to cost me a bloody fortune if the last few nights are anything to go by – still, am looking forward to seeing if any of the £340 worth of John Lewis silver necklaces that I've ordered will actually hang nicely around my already-bloated neck, or will they all be going back? And the steroids are of course filling out my chops nicely – the evil little bastards.

And it's been a bloody busy week so far – I do actually need to build in a bit more 'rest time' but the strong desire to see people, to try and hold onto my former life at this stage is just too tempting – and anyway, there's a lot to do…

So I now have 'Parkside chemo days' on Mondays and Thursdays – and thanks to my lovely 'chemo chums' (Janine on Monday, Claire White today) for coming along to what's not the most fun 2-3 hours of the week. I go there, have bloods taken, get weighed and my height checked (even I can't get that much shorter in three days surely??!) and then have to wait for the Velcade subcutaneous injection to be prepared if my bloods are good enough for me to have it. This goes into your tummy fat and stings, leaving a big red mark, so I can so far work out how many jabs I've had by the attractive welts on my spare tyre. They give you Aloe vera for this but it doesn't seem to do much as yet.

And every day – well the first 14 days of the cycle of 21 – is a Revlimid chemo day. The one where H & I boil the kettle, wait till the water gets to 55 degrees and then dissolve the huge Revlimid capsule into a large syringe for me to drink down, accompanied by some passion fruit yoghurt to take the taste away. What a bleeding palaver. Only done it 5 times so far and a 5 cycles will mean we get to do it 70 times – should be bloody good at it by then hey? These are the 2 main chemo drugs that go with the steroids, Dexamethasone, to make up the main treatment items.

Plus the pile of other tablets and crapola that go in morning and night – the rattling has already begun.

So it's been great to sneak in  few 'nice things' – a quick lunch in Wimbers with Tony Franco on Tuesday, a 'mini shopping trip' with Jane today (bought all of a Clinique chubby stick and a Mother's Day card, but it still felt like shopping when you wrap a cup of tea and a pile of sushi around it too). And even got out to the flicks with Janine tonight to go and see Room. Went to the Curzon in Victoria – massive comfy seats so I did cop a good few dozes in there while the lights were down. Should probably not have eaten quite so many Cadbury Mini Eggs with the Diet Pepsi (why does nowhere ever have Diet Coke?) but managed to beat the gripes and even get a weird pleasure out of catching a bus back to Fulham Broadway  one of the new ones with the proper old back steps and posh sliding doors on it. Small pleasures, but rather nice really…

So this week is a 4 days at Parkside week – Tuesday was the much welcomed day off. I had to go for a CT scan of my sacrum and lumbar region today, which I thought would be ok as it wasn't one that involves the contest dye that makes me puke every time. What I hadn't factored in was almost, very very almost, getting stuck on the scanner bed again. If I lie flat (and for the last 3 weeks I have been sleeping sitting up in bed, I just don't dare lie down) as I run the massive risk of not being able to get up again. The faces on the two poor ladies as I writhed on there trying to get up (not held by having my jeans at half mast so the rivets didn't show up on the scan) and me only being able to move literally millimetres at a time, gritting my teeth and saying 'it's going to be ok, I will be able to get up, just give me a few more moments' etc, while squeaking away with pain was a close run thing. But – I made it off there and see the back consultant this Fri. Clearly there is something else wrong so start placing your bets now on just how many sodding holes I do have for the bloke to work with… we will see.

And of course its a joyous 5.35am right now – H's alarm goes off for work at 5.45 most days (not that he always makes it off to Gatwick quite on time, and he & John Nurse did seem to be putting away a fair bit of cognac post their 'man steaks' when I got in last night) so I'll get this written then let the dog out, feed the beasts, make the tea and creep back into my own bed for alarm time. We're taking it in turns to sleep in the spare room as it's pointless neither of us getting any sleep, but that's already a pretty shit side effect of the drugs and treatment. Might just have to get pissed one night and both sleep in our own bed – how crazy would that be??

Other smaller bits this week have been an eye test (well, i thought i'd get it all looked at in one go and make myself as bionic as possible….) – it seems I am blinder than I was and have a slight eye infection, so new glasses and lenses also required, plus dropping of gunk into right eye for 5 days. That in the scheme of things is a piece of p*ss. And will make my late night reading of my beloved iPad mini all the easier once sorted…

And on a happier note, I also went to test drive a new car – scared the bloke slightly as I was clearly in a lot of back pain and it might not have been ideal to prang the test car. I can no longer get in and out of the Mercedes – it's just too low slung – and am going to swap it for a BMW X1. Yes, a car you step up into and down out of. Middle age has indeed come a knocking and while I never say myself as being a BMW kind of girl, the sat nav and car systems are bloody good, its comfortable and I'm going to go wild and get oyster coloured seats to ring some crazy changes. Which will mean my jeans will mark the leather and be highly impractical but sod it – momma needs a big wagon and she's gonna get this one.

Wishing y'all a happy Thursday people. Thank you again to those who have sent cards, flowers etc (Al & Rosie, yours are in pride of place). Time to go whack the kettle on and start another day… It's the end of week 1 only which I just can;t believe, so taking some deep breaths and steeling myself for what already feel like a sodding long way to go. Well will see x