The penny drops

It also FINALLY struck me, as we were driving out of Miami back to the airport, why leaving there each year feels so uncomfortable / sad / unnerving and different to the end of every other trip or weekend away.

And my very slow brain finally worked out that it's because Miami is the only place I ever go back to on a regular basis – once a year. And that each time, it's the thought of not making it back there the following year – or ever again – that is just such a shitty shame to have to feel.

I know I have been unbelievably lucky to still be pretty healthy, and it's not Miami itself that is the trigger, it's having to have that same big question hanging over my head ever time there's something a long way off, that may or may not happen. And that there is nothing I can do to sway it either way. And that others I know haven't made it to their own 'next nice thing' because of sodding Myeloma. So fucking unfair, for them especially, as well as, so far, just the endless threat of it for me.

The irony never ceases to strike me that I am one of the 'long time ahead' planners in life – and this situation just laughs at my 'maybe next June we could do X' ever-hopeful mentality. Although one now tempered with 'can we check the insurance so it's covered if things do go wrong – and how do we sort out anyone else that might be planning to come with us' – what a weird mindset it requires.

But still – I never thought I'd make it to the Olympics in 2012 when we bought tickets 18 months ahead of it – and we did.

I never thought I'd make it Hawksey's 50th, so we celebrated it 2 years early in South Africa – and then we did it again last month in the Maldives.

So – knowing that luck has kept me here this long, you just keep on, keeping on and enjoying every moment of the amazing pleasures that life and friends can give. God knows, I am grateful for every second. x