… that I very rarely go the nail salon in our little parade of shops. Normally it's because the owner is a bit of an aggressive Vietnamese lady who never makes you feel very relaxed, and I much prefer the nice people at Hannah Nails, just round the corner from J's house.
But yesterday I really needed a quick mani. And I thought through what the worst scenario of going to Regal Nails could be, and decided there was no way that it would actually play out that way. My, how wrong I was…
So I go in, and there's 1 other customer, chatting away to the 2 staff about – honestly, the price of mackerel. Great, I thought, I will literally keep my head down, in its little thin hat, and hopefully in half an hour I can leg it away with some tidied up nails.
But 5 minutes later, Mrs Mackerel was off and I could feel the eyes of the owner boring into the back of my head as she sat on the other side of the salon, while LuLu had a crack at my nails.
'So, Scott-yyyyy. I didn't recognise you', she shouts.
And with no more preamble, gets straight down to the dreaded business of..
'So-oooooo. Why you got no hair?'
I very grumpily reply 'Well, why do you think?' As a not very subtle warning that this isn't my favourite conversation.
''Ohhhhh. You having chemotherapy?' She carries on blithely. 'What kind of cancer you got?'
I mumble a 'it's this kind, can we change the subject' reply..
'Oh blood cancer. That very bad'
And then comes over, pinning me between her and LuLu. At which point the chat gets even better, as it descends into both of them describing relatives who have had cancer.
'Oh, my brother in law, he get liver cancer. He dead within 3 months. Just three months!'
'Oh, my uncle, he had cancer. He look sooooooo ill. I see him one day and he ok but then he stop eating and look so bad next time'.
'Oh yes. The doctors say he get better but he die soon, he look terrible.'
'And I know a lady. She get cancer, she dead so quickleeeeee.'
And so it went on. Mortifying… Note to all nail bar people and anyone else – the last thing someone with this shitty disease wants to hear is about other people dying from it, funnily enough.
i couldn't get out of there fast enough. Hannah Nails, you may be three tube stops away, but my loyalty card and I will most definitely be coming your way next time…. x