Maaaaaaaan, this 'getting off the pot' thing is hard.
Am trying to work out best options to take and its one of those swirly-whirly, snakes and ladder style type things where every one good idea forwards has a direct 'down the snake' corollary backwards. Ooh, corollary, now there's a good word. Bit like a coronary.. or a chinese man practising his english language skills (co-lorra-lee!)
Anyway – have spent a mind boggling amount of time trying to work out this conundrum:
– should I stay at work and 'live a normal life'
– or bugger off round the world and travel my arse off while I can… oh but then I have no income (and the cats would never forgive me)
– or shift to a 3 day week, which might give a slightly better balance.. if less cash in my holey coat pockets (how many times has my phone dropped into the lining this week? Sewing never been a Scotty core skill)
– or go and see a counsellor and try and resettle my mind, as it seems to have gone into scaredy-fuck overdrive since the New Year
– or just get under the duvet and scoff endless pizza and Ben & Jerrys (quite liking this one.. mostly for the pigasaurus factor if not the even bigger hips involved)
All of which is incredibly tricky to reconcile when you have no idea of the critical factor which is of course, having naff all idea how long I am actually going to a) be well for and able to do anything, b) be in decent nick and able to do some stuff if not all, and c) be alive.
Bloody tricky quite frankly, and not sure the Self Help section in Waterstones has anything much to help resolve it.
Life is tremendously surreal right now – moments of wonderful, precious normality (tennis with Pam, Woodsie & Clauds, pub quiz with Mikey & Madge, warming Janine & Ross's sofa yet again with my ever expanding backside, ogling Clooney at the flicks with Liz, enjoying forgetting it all on the hockey pitch, hurrah)… annoyingly counter-balanced with the constant nagging & dragging reminders of the shit I'm in (all the Cancer Research ads on TV, arguing with Pru Health when I've forgotten to get some treatment authorised, TBag's funeral last week, stuff about our increasing aging population in the news – a state I'm never going to reach, the irresistible lure of checking the Myeloma UK and my Under 50's Myeloma websites several times a day, as if reading and replying to others will somehow buy me 'brownie points' of a few extra months somewhere down the line).. Blah blah blah.
Sorry – am aware I'm in a moaning & droning mode at the mo – but it is quite a weird intellectual exercise, trying to decide what's the best way forward for you… hard enough when you have a normal pile of poo to balance out – job, relationship, mortgage, pressures, family etc – let alone in the Cancer Vortex of Unpredicatibility. feels like one of those plastic things you shake at Xmas to determine which drink to have or what fortune will befall you… yep, its about that random.
And SO weird that through all of this I've felt bloody fine! They said my rib pain couldn't be linked to the Myeloma and beyond that, the only problems I've had are due to the drugs and the transplant.. Hmmm…
I do like to torment myself occasionally with the 'maybe they made a mistake and mis-diagnosed me' thought…. and imagine the 'wow, really, its not real? I'm ok? I've got a chance at life? oh my god, thank you so much' conversation… but know it's not going to happen… more's the pity.
Anyway – for now, will try call the shrink lady on Fri (unless my long lunch on the piss with Mark W distracts me too much.. which it hopefully will) and get it all packed away into the right mental box sometime soon.
Or should I ask the audience on this – what would you all do???? I've def made some good and some crap decisions in the past – open to all ideas! Sx
Comments
4 responses
Options 3, 4 and 5 would get my vote (you didn’t say that ‘multiple punch’ wasn’t an option… or maybe I’ve been married to a quanty too long!)
My guess is that you’d feel like you were missing an arm without work and the structure it gives to your day/week but the spare time you’d get from a 3 day week would give you more opportunity to do the things that make you happy: tennis, cocktails, hockey, Clooney-gawping and the likes (oh and more sub-duvet calorie consumption too!)
And go for it with the shrink lady – always worth having someone you’re allowed to shout at cos that’s what they’re paid for! Saves you shouting at your nearest and dearest and does wonders for de-fu**ing head too
Hope this post still qualifies for the ‘Ask the Audience’ slot – with brevity like this you’d never want me to be your ‘Phone a Friend’ would you?!
Hugs
Curls
PS – I could dust off my Brownie sewing badge and come to the rescue of your coat pockets if you want? Might not be filled with pearls of wisdom or supportive good humour but hell, I can darn a pocket!! xxx
Very sound advice from Claire. If you give it all up and bugger off around the world you wouldn’t see everyone and that would not be good. 3 day week sounds great – I might have to go the same way and come out to play on days 4 and 5. The shrink lady must help. Talking about everything, no holds barred, for an hour every so often must be theraputic. Not sure about the Pizza’s and ice cream under the duvet….. I think you need some chocolate somewhere in there too.
Able to help with the pocket repair, if there are too many for Claire to deal with.
Liz x
3 and 4. keep enough money coming in to fund ongoing mega hols, more time for pub quizzes and eves out (‘Aristotlean’ – fuck off), and some degree of normality rather than feeling you’re racing the Grim Reaper Around the world in 80 Days…
Mxx
I can vouch for the 3-day week, and definitely agree with the many separate holidays rather than one big trip. Much better to spread the joy and come back to show off pics & suntan/stay friends with the cats/wash clothes in proper machine/do happy pub quiz things in between. Yaaay!
Fitz x