Weird, never thought I'd be writing that as a post title, but I just couldn't quite 'get there' this weekend in Le Touquet. Normally its one of the highlights of my annual social & boozing calendar but this year…… well either it, or maybe I, just wasn't quite all there.
It started in its usual entertaining fashion – a bunch of us down at the beach, playing silly buggers on the carousel and drinking Heinekens in the beach bar, toes in the sand, saying 'well the forecast was shitty rain but its bloody lovely here'. Slipping in a cheeky ice cream, going on to various other bars, chatting to middle aged golfers, hitting the VAGs (vodka & grapefruits for you uninitiates out there) and generally getting 'on it'.
But, the weekend took a major nosedive as we sat at dinner and the person next to me said 'have you heard about Ayub?' Now Ayub (Yubby) is the mens goalie, has been coming for years, nice chap - and not there this year. I'd vaguely assumed that he'd got work on or something, as only 5 men managed to get themselves organised enough to come this year, unlike the bursting at the seams ladies team, so it wasn't that odd that he among others wasn't there.
So I said 'no'? Imagining that the story was going to be he'd crashed his car / lost his job / turned into a woman or any of the usual stories that follow a 'have you heard about….' intro. But no – it was followed by 'he's got some kind of terminal cancer and apparently he's in a really, really bad way in hospital'.
Cue: My heart sinking like a stone and the rest of the weekend pretty much following it down the toilet.
And then I felt bad, because:
a) I didn't know Yubby was ill at all, and felt that we all should do, as his annual team mates
Then b) because maybe everyone did know and had chosen not to tell me in case it upset me, but thus reinforcing how bloody different I feel vs everyone else
or c) even worse because it somehow felt like a friend dying of cancer was the 'new news' – a bit of almost gossip to carelessly toss about the table, before you instantly forget it, and get your nose back in your beer and moules frites.
plus d) wondering if people now think I'm better – or have just forgotten that I have the fucknasty C as its not (or I'm not) important enough to them to remember
and of course, most selfishly of all e) wondering how many years it will be until the name Ayub is replaced with Scotty…. and wondering just how upsetting or for how long my serious illness/death might be the news, before everyone headed off to the Sports Bar for more fun.
It threw up all manner of questions which my silly old head was tossing about and trying to make sense of:
– The occasional shallowness of casual acquaintances and loose friendships
– The short-term nature & impact of bad news, before its old hat
– The blithe insouciance of those who've never experienced major shit, not understanding what it feels like to the person who's living it and those around them
– The fine line between hockey weekend wholesome fun and 'it's all about me' self-indulgence
– The throw of the dice that says one person will be healthy and the next one, screwed
– The strange things in life that throw certain groups of people together, like illness, and the fact you can never guess who'll be in your own 'life groups' that form by their own accord and not your own choice
– How guilty having a good time can feel when you know someone else is having an utter shocker
– How isolating it is, to be surrounded by people but feel alone
God – I fucking hate being diferent. I just felt like my body remained sat at the table with a fake smile stuck on my chops while my mind and spirit literally lifted up and wafted somewhere else. I'd have felt utterly shitty for Ayub hearing the news anyway, but it really bloody sucked on Friday hearing it at that point.
Plus the hockey was crap. I felt like a lard arse post-honeymoon excesses. I drank lots but couldn't get pissed and am worried its something to do with the bloody disease. The not-terrible-but-there pains in my neck, shoulders and ribs which might be nothing, but equally might be something.
And topped off with poor Hawksey bending his knee backwards in the way that its supposed to only bend forwards, hearing a loud snap and swelling up. All meaning he'll probably need another operation once we've managed to se a couple of specialists and get an opinion. He's back on crutches, in his knee brace and my sexy white surgical stocking… poo. Not great for him either.
I think all this is me having my head in a bit of a bad / worried space at the moment. As ever, doing my best to push it away and make the most of good times before bad times are either confirmed or not confirmed… but I'm not doing a very good job of it at the moment. Anyway, the appointment is a week today so I guess the wait will be over soon enough.
Big love to you all – Sx
Comments
11 responses
Scotty mate!
Well, you did mutter to me that things weren’t quite as they should be this year. Then again, didn’t we have a pretty damn awesome time at the table on Saturday evening? You, Swight and me all sitting in a line, farting about on every level? And that old man of yours, making a desperate noise at the other end of the table?
And didn’t we also share a great moment in the sunshine – you, Batch (Butch), Claude, Nat and me eating moules, soupe de poisson (on the other hand, you eating salad does suggest that your head needs a serious examination…!). I loved that time with you – just taking it easy, and then you insisting that I buy the bloody icecreams – I don’t even eat the buggers!! And then off down to the seaside to watch the nonsense that is Le Touquet plage. These were special moments Scotty – maybe not all drunken, which is in fact a great thing. I did also enjoy jumping on my roommies (poor you and clarkie – and that could be why you have flippin neck ache, of course. If it is, sorry about that!)
As for Ayub, well I had no idea until Saturday – I share your guilt in some ways, but not in all. Al is his friend, a good friend and one that keeps in touch. Just like you are mine – a good friend and one that keeps in touch, no matter what.
Scotty mate, you know I don’t like this bloody website and I WILL ring you/text you/find another way to speak with you. But for now, I feel compelled to drop you a line on the off-chance of its immediacy reaching you soon.
My friend – you are right, sometimes we have to pinch ourselves as a reminder of your flippin’ ordeal. The reason? Because actually you look/play/act so bloody well! And yes, we too desperately want you to feel just ‘normal’ and indeed we try our best to keep it that way. Clearly, that’s the wrong thing sometimes – we are all responsible for bottling stuff up and ignoring the issue – you, me, everyone. The way you have written your latest blog Scotty, suggests that we need to adapt our ways a little, be f..king brave and talk about it/share it from time to time. What do you reckon?
Oh, and one last thing – I love you to bits. You are fantastic company. Some of the girls were amazed at our closeness (I’m amazed too seeing that I drive you bonkers most of the time…(!)).
Hope these words help a little to lift that big black cloud.
Je t’embrasse mon amie. Pamela xx
As Swighty would sing ‘There’s only one Scotty Hawkes, la la la la la ….” and you’re very special to us don’t ever think that you’re not! With seeing Prof looming fast didn’t want to take your head there and hoped we could make Le Touqs, with beaucoup de VAGs and laughs, a distraction and an extension of the bubble. Gutted we couldn’t. A core of Puritans amigos coming together for Le Touqs …. the prospect that that might change is so hard to dwell on. Ayub with his canary kit, steak tartare and cheeky laugh were sorely missed this year. We so hope Feb was a blip and Prof’s room will be full to bursting as we’ll all be there in spirit when you go for the tests and to get the results willing that to be the case. See you soon you ol’ tart. Woodsie xx
Fruits de mer ;o) X
Hey!! Roomy. Don’t worry that you couldn’t get drunk , just think what it would have been like with a hangover with Pam jumping over you. As for Ayub it wasn’t common knowledge as he has kept it private. I felt different this year, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go not being able to join in so much. I saw the light and came out of the cloud I was under and I made the decision, even though it felt different out there this year. I thought it would be hard as I hadn’t seen the Epsom girls for a long time and that I wouldn’t fit in again. How wrong could I have been. This special group of friends make you feel at home. It’s not always about you making people laugh, it’s about your friend making you laugh at each others expense. I tell you while I don’t like to ask you how thing’s are going , it’s because every time we meet up, we are having fun and alaugh, I don’t want to remind you of it. Does that make sense to you?? I am not as good as you with words and my spelling it crap. I keep shouting at Bob how do you spell ???. I have no words to help you though what you are going though. But I am here and I do understand as I am always waiting and wondering if my “C” will return. But my philosophy is don’t let the bastards get you down. Always here for you and Hawksey. Love Clarkie xxx
Oh Scotty – I’m gutted you didn’t quite get there this year. I only see you a couple of times a year so don’t like to ask how things are going to your face cos i presume you don’t want to talk about it/think about it/be reminded of it when you’re doing your best to be in your bubble trying to feel normal and trying to have a good time. Forgive me my selfishness in avoiding the issue. I cannot comprehend what you are going through, I can only tell you that I never forget.
I love your company in LT and always look forward to spending time with you while we’re there. You’re a top bird and very special to so many people, don’t forget that. Love you. Becks xx
Scotty, ditto everyone else’s words above, again find it difficult to bring the subject up when you look so well and don’t won’t to remind you of the dark side but you are always in my thoughts. Shout if there is any thingh I can do, sending you lots of love and as woodsie says we will all be in the profs office in spirit (VAG obviously) with you next Tuesday. Lots of love N xxx
Tried to call you but you’re out (hopefully successfully getting pissed). Have been thinking about you loads and wanted to tell you how effing stunning you looked in Lulworth. Never seen you happier than when you walked up the aisle on Ross’s arm. Except, of course, when you walked down it on your hubby’s. A perfect day. I really hope that feeling can last a long time… and outshine the nastiness of those bloody paraproteins. Looking forward to seeing you masses next week. Don’t forget the pinky vodka! Might even let you have a glass too. Lots of love, BS xxx
Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs… my much loved, very-special-even-without-MM matey xxxx
I can tell it’s bad…. there were some typos and mistakes in your blog. Very un-Scotty…. We’ve identified some babysitters so are back in the social swing. Give us a shout if you fancy some company.
Hello my friend, lots of love to you, email sent. Re: Hawksey …. if you will play sport … what do you expect? Keep it safe, keep the only exercise the repetitive movement of the arm to the mouth with either a fag or a beer. Surely you’ve both learnt that by now!
Good luck tomorrow hun
Go sock it to those paraproteins
Thinking of you
Curls
xxx