So frustrated. Yet again gone up to bed, had a relaxing bath, turned the light out after 10pm and woken up at a ridiculous hour, this time only 12.50pm. <\/p>\n
Decide to go for a wee as annoyingly wide awake. Turn parts of body slowly and one at a time (hips, shoulders, knees, neck, head, repeat) till facing side of bed. Big deep breath to drop legs over the edge and lever myself upright. Shuffle bottom to edge of mattress. Ensure feet are flat and widely spaced. Flex ankles as feel like lead. Deep breath again to stand. Brief wobble as paddle my way to bathroom.<\/p>\n
Touch shower glass to check going straight. Brace myself on basin as have to persuade weakened legs to let me get down to the loo. Wince in general discomfort. Wish things weren't like this. Return to bed. Have a moment contemplating the benefits of the new walker frame Mum has come back from hospital with. Recall a couple of well-meaning bits of ribbing where people have entirely missed the mark in the past as they've not realised quite what my future holds ('ha ha, well you can always borrow your mum's wheelchair!'). Feel like a broken elderly woman, a lifetime different to a 48 year old (no longer) sports player.<\/p>\n
Sudden realisation that my lower back has also woken up, and is tonight in angry mood. Banging with pain, and all I've done is get up and walk 20 foot max.<\/p>\n
While groaning into the pillow, Mojo eying me quizzically, I run through the options for my back which existed pre-op:
– 2 out of 3 people will have less pain if they have the procedure
– 1 in 3 gets no relief<\/p>\n
And reflect on my current status:
– The stem cells could temporarily make the op site hurt more (but these are now out so this excuse doesn't wash any more)
– I may now only need painkillers for a few days longer, as it's possible the back pain may still settle (the only option I like as the now small possibility for it mending still exists here)<\/p>\n
And realise there are some now that are not so good:
– The op has caused extra damage (either the surgeon's fault or the back invasion, rods etc have allowed or triggered the myeloma to do more damage)
– I am going to be in worse pain than I was beforehand and have made a bad call in going ahead with the op
– I will need continuing painkillers just to get up, dressed and to function each day, if it doesn't somehow improve. Something that fills me with utter dread as I am terrible with tablets, have had enough of soluble paracetamol 4x a day in between the max dose of ibuprofen and I don't want to have to live that way.
– Inevitably I would then need to take more painkillers as things worsen. (Bone stuff never magically 'gets better' in the shit land of myeloma, or the C word in general I suspect, it becomes all about palliative care and that word scares the hell out of me too.<\/p>\n
Long and the short of it, it's now throbbing a bit less as I'm back horizontal and not moving it, and maybe, just maybe, it might improve either naturally over more time (dream on, Toto), or the SCT might somehow take the edge off it in a good way.<\/p>\n
Am seeing back bloke this Thurs and will ask if he can magically see a better future or more likely that I just am the 1 in 3 who gets nothing, and has also managed to pull the special additional card of aggravated increased pain. Well, thanks for nothing Santa.<\/p>\n
It's now 1.21am. Do I make tea? Have some squash? Wake up the dog for company? Watch iPlayer and hope I drop off?<\/p>\n
Nights are long times, when filled with the fears and scenarios of the inside of your own head.<\/p>\n
Sleep well beautiful people, treasure every hour x<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
So frustrated. Yet again gone up to bed, had a relaxing bath, turned the light out after 10pm and woken up at a ridiculous hour, this time only 12.50pm. Decide to go for a wee as annoyingly wide awake. Turn parts of body slowly and one at a time (hips, shoulders, knees, neck, head, repeat) […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-758","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n