Funny, when someone says to you 'ooh, what have you been up to lately?', 9 times out of ten you suddenly can't remember a bloody thing and it makes you like like you're a dweeb whose bum's been glued to the sofa or had their head in a plazzy bag for the past 7 days. <\/p>\n
Or just weird shit sticks in your head, that doesnt entirely make up a fluid story, but is the best you can knock together – so here goes!<\/p>\n
1. The Garlic Sausage Mystery: So, there I am in bed (H in Belfast again), 2am and there's a plastic rustling noise and some deep throated snarling by the wardrobe. Turn light on to find Conker desperately trying to get into a plastic sandwich bag with a huge smelly garlic sausage in it. Run through half asleep brain and think – no, never seen that before. Presume she's had an urban fox moment and classily stolen it from a bin, or had it off one of the neighbours' kitchen counters like the ultimate stealth food robber she is. Have surreal moment wrestling said smelly sausage from her jaws and then have to break it into bits and flush down the loo like a big garlic turd. Go back to bed thinking ' did that really just happen??<\/p>\n
2. Meeting the Outlaws: Headed up to wet Hitchin on Sunday to meet H's Dad and his wife for the very first time. Sink two pints of lager top in quick succession and, as dieting, end up very lightheaded, eating the remainder of Zoe's lunch across the table, in truly classy fashion. All head in two cars to the garden centre down the road to spend a bit more time together, only for me to be almost in the doors before H shouts at me that the only people coming out are the staff as its 5pm and I'm a bit too pissed to have noticed. Silky smooth & super cool as always.<\/p>\n
3. Impress the Boss: Have a client conference call with a bunch of Indian, French and US folks on a terrible line, and have to talk to them about the UK Houmous opportunity off the top of my ill-informed head. With a very senior Kantar person (the division that owns Added Value) on the line, who says her name at the start of the call and is never heard from again. As I blather on cluelessly I can almost hear her typing the 'this is how that idiot Scotty cocks up a client call' email, like a silent velociraptor tap tap tapping away..<\/p>\n
4. Go to the Imperial War Museum with H and Zoe as she has a school project on the Second World War. Realise my inspired wisdom about the finer points of the War are falling on deaf ears as she's never heard of Churchill or Hitler or even who the war was between…. but does like the poster with the pig suggesting people give Oinkers their food scraps.<\/p>\n
5. Finally get hair 'done' properly with better base colour and highlights and wonder why didn't do it sooner when no fewer than 8 people compliment me on how nice it looks and even H manages to say 'that looks better than the ginge' – high praise indeed!<\/p>\n
And that was the week… that was. <\/p>\n
Scotty x x x<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Funny, when someone says to you 'ooh, what have you been up to lately?', 9 times out of ten you suddenly can't remember a bloody thing and it makes you like like you're a dweeb whose bum's been glued to the sofa or had their head in a plazzy bag for the past 7 days. Or […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1392","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\n